Feelin’ blue

Hi, readers.

So for months now, since my old band broke up, I’ve been fumbling, searching for a new band. I like gigging, I like rehearsing and recording in the studio, and I like the close friendships that come of being in a band. I used to think that those friendships last for life.

I was wrong about that — they’re only temporary. And unless you either are all committed to putting in the hard work to succeed, or are a unicorn and make it big, chances are your band won’t be in the top ten anytime soon. Assuming that when people join a band there’s at least a small hope that it might be successful, beyond a fun hobby.

I should know by now not to try and monetise my hobbies, to just enjoy the ride. But I’ve got this voice, and like a character talking to an author, it wants to be heard.

I’ve got this funny sort of god-given talent, and I want to use it. Being in a band, being on stage and singing was one of the great pleasures in my life so far, and I don’t want it to end. But I can’t seem to find a new band. The one that broke up was one I’d co-created with a bass player, and whilst we still meet up to jam occasionally, he’s off making music with his successful punk band, so he’s fine. He doesn’t feel the need, the drive, that I do. Neither of us want to go through the process of setting up a band again from scratch. It takes a lot of time and energy and heart. Mine was broken back in October, now I’m desperately trying to put the pieces back together again.

I was at the point where as a 40-something, old, saggy, overweight woman with a stellar voice, I was considering an offer from a group of 20-year-old university students to come jam with them in their room at the residence halls, because they can’t afford a studio. Practice rooms, when split amongst a few people, are cheap. Apparently one of them is horny all the time and would stare at my boobs, and they asked whether I was comfortable with racist humour. But the fact that this is what I’ve stooped to, it makes me incredibly sad.

I sing in my private moments, but let’s face it, I’m a singer. I wake up in the morning and want to sing. I have moments during the day, all the time, where I want to get up and sing. But I don’t, because that would be weird. Sometimes people ask me if I’m going to break into song. No, I’m not. But I want to.

Two bands turned down my auditions this week. One is looking for a different direction (translation- they want someone who growls, ideally a male singer), and another really liked my voice, but thought it was all too polished for the raw sound they’re going for. I’m a mezzo-soprano with a big range and I’ve had some classical training. I’ve been told I sound like Kate Bush/Beth Simmons, which is great. I just can’t find a band.

I’ve taken on a few music projects where I can, but these all seem to dwindle over time. A band I’d been in contact with back in January who later ghosted me got in touch last week, gave me another song they wanted my vocals to, then said thanks. Since they hadn’t contacted me in 6 months, I imagine it’ll be another 6 before I hear from them again.

This sucks.